All of us, we are passing at a particular moment of our lives through hard moments, and we need our friends to be there. So I have gathered some thoughts based on my personal experience, and from what I noticed with my friends and acquaintances, I came up with five things that we can do for our friends when they feel sad, depressed or they are passing through a tough moment.
1. Be present, but absent
It might sound ridiculous for you, but it is like this: don’t push too much on your availability for your friends, but let them know that you are available. An easy thing to do is to tell them that you are there and they can count on you, to let them know about it, and this is it.
2. Stop asking “How do you feel?”
Asking everyday how are they feeling is not helping as much as we might think. We can look at it, as a proof of being there for our friends, but in the same time is augmenting their anxiety and makes them think that maybe they are not so ok as they could imagine or believe in that precise moment. To be more straightforward, the idea that I’m highlighting is that you can destroy their hope.
3. Act normal
When our friends inform us that they are passing through awkward moments, since we care about them, we have this instinct to become suddenly more available than never. To put them on the 1st place, to change our schedule after them and so on…and, again, this isn’t the way. First, because this is just because of their hard moment and secondly because we can still increase their anxiety, by sending them the unconscious message that they are not ok and they need our support, it is enough to trust and let them be aware of this.
4. Do little things together
From time to time, but not too often (remember the details from the previous points 1 to 3) invite them for a coffee, or a concert, a movie, a theatre play or playing a sport, go for the beach or go for a walk, a hike, whatever are the interest of you and your friends. Have in mind to avoid going too often in deep conversation related to their issue. You should do this only if they start it, and this represents a need for them.
5. Just Listen and don’t give advices, if aren’t asked
Nobody likes those unwanted pieces of advice – for many reasons that I will not explain here – the most important for me, for example, is that I don’t need someone to tell me at each step what I need to do, as I have no idea on what I am doing. In most of the cases, I do, and all I need is to share, which leads to the need of a listener not and advisor. If I’m looking for advice, I will ask you directly.
Friendships, like any other relationships, are happening with no guideline, nor instructions. They are mainly driven by our feelings, our way of being and our life experience. We should always remember that friendships are about sharing and caring.
If you’re going on the path of becoming a good listener to your friends in need, and not only, then consider questioning. Another essential thing for being a good listener is to know how to address the proper queries in such a way that they are useful for your friend, not for your curiosity. That means to address open questions and from the answer dive in on other matters. Remember that you are there to support and listen to your dear friend.
One thing that most of us, we keep forgetting about is our role. Have in mind also the fact that your role as a friend in this situation is to be a real, honest friend, able to have a clear overview of the situation. It means not to dig yourselves into an emotional sorrow, but to have the courage to address those questions—those hard ones which will force your friend to be honest and help him see the big picture.
Photo by Paola Chaaya on Unsplash
