It’s Friday night, the 13th, and it’s 10 pm. Everyone in the house is asleep – our baby, my partner, and our cats. There’s a sleep-inducing atmosphere, but it doesn’t affect me. I can’t sleep. I sit in the living room at my table, in front of my computer, with music playing through my headphones, typing what you’re about to read.
The living room is a mess – toys, clothes, baby nursery accessories, and cat toys. The kitchen is filled with dishes, and the upper part of the house is a bit disorganized too – chaos reigns throughout.
Earlier today, a friend who’s a professional organizer asked me how I am, and as I looked around, I realized that everything was in disarray. It appeared chaotic, but at the same time, I couldn’t care less. Honestly, I don’t mind. I could tidy up, do the dishes (even overloading the dishwasher), or tackle the laundry, but I opt not to. These tasks will still be here tomorrow. However, what I have right now might not be.
Silence.
This is my time.
My music.
My choice.
And how do I spend this time? What brings me happiness: writing. Often, I do journaling, but today, I wanted to finish a blog post about my journey through motherhood. One that reflects on my experiences after six months of being a mother, viewed through the lens of self-awareness.
I had a draft. I read it. Then I thought, “Hmm, no.” In fact, I wanted to write it differently, so here I am, rewriting it.
That question was: How’s motherhood? How are you?
Right from the beginning, what I appreciate the most is that we are finally beginning to ask mothers, “How are you?” instead of solely focusing on “How’s the baby?” It is such a tiny detail on the side of who’s asking, but so impactful for the mother when hearing it. It compels her to pause and reflect on herself, even if only for a few seconds or minutes. This is something that isn’t often taught.
As I mentioned in my previous article on motherhood, I feel that there is still so much space to talk about motherhood as a transformative journey and to encourage self-awareness among mothers.
The ability to reflect on her behavior and her feelings, in addition to taking care of her baby and partner, is something that can be taught. There are very few women who are aware of this, and there are many more who truly need this awareness.
It will make their lives easier.
How you may wonder? Well don’t imagine that it will reduce the load, or that suddenly your baby will sleep, eat or have zero colics. None of this will happen. What will happen is that you’ll think better of yourself.
Your mental health will be above the minimum. You’ll feel calmer, you’ll understand that if the baby doesn’t stop crying, although you went through your checking list of diapers, clothing (hot, cold), (breast)feed, holding, rocking, isn’t because he’s a little tyrant, is because he needs you, he might need you to feel closer. And sometimes that means hours of holding or sleeping next to.
Self-awareness aids you in handling such situations.Post-partum depression and anxiety are real challenges. Creating the expectation that everything will be joyful and perfect can be detrimental to mothers who are grappling with these issues.
But I’ll get back to this topic. Now, allow me to tell you my thoughts on motherhood.
Motherhood is fantastic, but it’s incredibly challenging.
It takes a grand toll on you as the mother. Some of us may have heard it before, as I know we did: “Oh, but you have help; your in-laws are there.” And that’s true; they are there, and they’re fantastic. My partner is fantastic. But I am the mother. The baby needs their mother in the first months. And if there’s breastfeeding involved, well… the mom essentially got herself a natural “boob extension” in the form of a wonderful baby.
One observation I’ve made is that there are two camps when it comes to discussing motherhood: those who only highlight the positive aspects, especially on platforms like Instagram – how wonderful it is, how fantastic the baby is, how quickly recovery occurs. Then, there are those who emphasize how challenging it is, sometimes unintentionally stigmatizing those who express that it’s wonderful. To me, that’s disheartening. Because there is no such thing as solely fantastic or solely difficult – this represents a classic dichotomy, thinking in black and white. In reality, there are numerous nuances and many gray areas.
Another goal of this article is to shed some light on those grey areas.
As I repeatedly emphasize, having a baby isn’t just challenging or fantastic; it’s both challenging and fantastic. Parenthood can be the most rewarding experience, yet it is also the most demanding one.
Being a mother is incredible
Motherhood makes you feel powerful – you’ve given birth, you’ve brought life into the world – that’s not a trivial sensation. It’s empowering. It instills a sense that you can conquer anything. However, at the same time, when your newborn cries and nothing appears to soothe them, and you don’t understand why, you feel like the most powerless human being.
Motherhood is a journey, like life itself
It has its ups and downs, its highs and lows. And when hitting the lows, you better be aware of if, you have a supporting group or a safety net. Often, as mothers, we’re walking on a tiny thread, and with our compounded tiredness, and hormonal party, being by ourselves can make us fall easily.
Motherhood comes with challenges
Here are a few challenges that I have encountered so far:
- Unpredictability – Unpredictability – Before motherhood, I was the master of my own time. I lived by schedules and enjoyed accomplishing tasks as planned. But now? Time appears to have a mind of its own. I’ve come to understand that going with the flow truly means embracing the unpredictability that each day with my baby brings.
- Certainty – In this early stage, certainty is a scarce luxury. Textbooks, advice, and Google can only provide so much information. I’ve discovered that my most reliable guide has been my gut feeling, even if it’s occasionally challenging to explain why I have a certain intuition. They call it maternal instinct, and it’s powerful.
- Chaos – I’ve always taken solace in organization, in having everything in its place, following a sequence, maintaining a rhythm. However, babies, with their inherent unpredictability, introduce a delightful form of chaos. It has been a challenge to maintain my composure within this whirlwind, but every smile, every laugh, every tiny grip of my finger makes it all worthwhile.
- Productivity – As someone who once thrived on checking items off a to-do list, these initial months often made me feel unproductive. On days when all I managed was to feed, hold, and soothe my baby, I had to remind myself that this is the most essential form of productivity. Nothing compares to the significance of being present for my child. Easy to say it, to even rationalise it than to actually experience it.
- Performance – this is a significant challenge because it pertains to meeting societal expectations. And before you say, “Oh, but that’s not me,” allow me to share that each of us has our vulnerability in this regard. Society and media sometimes depict the image of the supermom – that Wonder Woman who appears to have it all: a thriving career, an immaculate home, and a fairy-tale family life. But let’s be realistic; it’s somewhat unfair to expect anyone to be at their peak performance 24/7. For me, it’s still a work in progress to remind myself that it’s okay if things aren’t perfect all the time and that giving my best is more than sufficient.
“Motherhood is both brutal and beautiful, often at the same time.
Nikki McCahon (matrescence educator)
Every single day, hour, and minute, I am learning that the nurturing, teaching, and love that mothers provide are invaluable and immeasurable by conventional standards. I have hope that sooner or later, many more people will come to understand this too.
For me, motherhood is about infinite love, challenges, transformation, exploration, curiosity, magic, and adaptation.
What is it you wish you had known before having a baby?
Someone has asked me.
I’ve spent a lot of time pondering that question. Honestly, nothing. Since I discovered I was pregnant, I redirected my self-exploration therapy sessions toward understanding myself in this new context. It proved to be immensely helpful. It led me to what some might call adopting a zero-tolerance policy on expectations.
Over the years, I went through situations and experiences that taught me how high and unrealistic expectations often lead to profound disappointments. Combine that with the hormonal rollercoaster that a new mom’s body goes through, and you have Anxiety paying a visit, sometimes bringing along her best friend, Depression.
Continuing, I’m sharing what I’ve noticed has been immensely helpful to me, with the hope that it can be useful to whomever reads it (whether a mother, father, brother, sister, friend, etc.).
Here’s what has helped me so far:
- Personal development – includes all the work I did over the past decade on various fronts, including education, activities, specialized training in my areas of interest, growth workshops, physical exercises, meditation, yoga, and therapy.
- Being my best friend – when things get tough, I can rely on myself to be strong and kind. Even when I make mistakes, I remind myself that I can still treat myself kindly and learn from those mistakes.
- Setting boundaries – I keep myself from becoming overwhelmed by others’ opinions and filter information, being highly selective with content and people.
- Being in the right environment – “building my village” of people I want around me so they can support me in becoming a better person and raising my child in an emotionally healthy atmosphere. Thus, I’ve opted for environments that nurture my inner softness rather than perpetuating a survival mindset.
- Having a community – where I feel supported and loved, where there are no such things as stupid questions. A place where I can both share and receive, where trust, support, and answers to my questions flow freely. It is crucial, not only in motherhood but in life, to be part of a judgment-free community that can offer fresh perspectives and provide respect and plenty of virtual hugs when things get tough. I’ve discovered all of this in The Sisterhood Society – a community of Romanian women spread across Europe. For me, it has also become my safety net, reassuring me that I’m not alone – as a mother, as an expat, as a friend, as a sister, as a professional – as a woman with all my complexities.
- Practising self-care – even on days when self-care means simply washing my face, applying some cream, and brushing my teeth, or on other days, treating myself to a massage. I believe that when we prioritise ourselves, life has a way of falling into place.
- Learning from others – I’ve become rather adept at this, and without false modesty, I give myself credit each time I have the opportunity. One thing I did was seek content centred around regrets and failures. For instance, a Romanian influencer specializing in planning and organization, whom I follow, once asked her community before a baby-related workshop (about organizing your home for a newborn) what they would do differently in the first month. Those responses became my objectives. For example: allocating time to bond with the baby, just the three of us, before involving extended family and friends. Or read more about baby behaviour, sleep, and development. So, during my last month of pregnancy, I concentrated on learning from others’ regrets.
Here’s what I’m still doing:
- Educating myself on matrescence – Matrescence is a term used to describe the transition to motherhood. It was coined by Dana Raphael, a medical anthropologist who also popularized the phrase “doula”. Matrescence is a period of transformation that affects nearly every aspect of a woman’s life. It changes her physically, hormonally, psychologically, socially, even politically and spiritually
- Learning how to think in a way that benefits me and aligns with my goals, so I can effectively navigate the world and, to the best of my ability, pass on these skills to my son. To know how to think, I must answer the “why” questions, no matter how numerous they may be – for this, I dedicate time to reflection and leave audio notes when journaling isn’t feasible.
- Working on my atomic habits to assist me in living my life in alignment with my values.
- Fighting from time to time internal battles that I keep to myself, through self-reflection exercises
- Living my truth – being honest with myself and speaking up when I don’t feel okay or when I witness injustice.
- Giving back to others – being as active as I can in the community I belong to because I believe in the magic of giving, following the “pay it forward” principle.
Here are some of my goodies from my toolbox (it includes activities, products, apps, and book)
- For Meditation: I’ve tested many apps, but two resonate with me the most. Meditopia, which I’ve been using for the past three years – I’ve also explored their Soul and AI-led therapy chat, equipped with CBT techniques. They offer guided meditations, meditation music, breathing exercises, engaging articles on various topics, bedtime stories, and much more. I also appreciate their weekly newsletter; I find it inspiring. Another app I began using a few months ago and have come to love is Aura, which also provides guided meditations, CBT, hypnosis and life coaching sessions, created by coaches and therapist. They offer sleep stories, relaxing music, and a gratitude journal, which I find valuable. Their approach is different.
- For Emotional check-ups – the How We Feel app and Journaling, including a traditional notebook (pen & paper, when possible). If not digital Notion and audio-voice recording turned very helpful to me
- For learning about motherhood and baby I recommend The Wonder Weeks – Book and App which delve into baby’s mental leaps, and the Back to You – Book and App which discuss postpartum recovery
- For self-awareness and parenting: Here’s a list of books that have been beneficial: The Dance of Anger, Screaming Free Parenting ,The Myth of Normal, Awareness, Hold on to Your Kids (just started reading it), The Absorbent Mind, A Primer of Infant Development. Most of them read as part of the Sisterhood Society meetings.
- For pleasure: I enjoyed reading The Cafe on the Edge of the World and Before the Coffee Gets Cold
- Self-care Activities: I prioritize regular self-care activities to recharge and nurture my well-being. These activities include yoga sessions, leisurely walks in nature, and occasional spa treatments
Before making assumptions about how I manage to find time for reading, yoga, or spa treatments, let me explain my approach.
My baby loves spending time outdoors (like most babies, probably). So, I put him in my Isara the One Baby Carrier, and we go for long walks, while I listen to my books. For some of them, I even increase the playback speed to 1.5x, although this depends on the narrator’s voice and cadence.
As for spa treatments, we went once with him, taking turns for our sessions, one after the other. When he was a bit older (around 6 months), we entrusted him to his grandparents for a couple of hours.
Regarding yoga, I resumed my practice when he turned 6 months old. I attend early morning sessions, and my partner looks after him before starting his work.
I understand that this is a lengthy read, and it may take time to absorb its messages. I wanted to share my experiences based on the questions I’ve received.
However, if you’re in a hurry, here are two main ideas I’d like you to take away and reflect upon:
1. Love yourself – make it an action, not just an affirmation
You know, in this wild journey of motherhood, there’s something we often forget: taking a moment for ourselves. We are so caught up in the whirlwind of diapers, sleepless nights and those precious coos, babbling or crawling that we sometimes lose track of who we are outside of the mom label. But here’s the thing – just like we’d tell our best friend, we need to be our own friend too.
Taking care of ourselves isn’t just about the occasional spa day; it’s about truly understanding and loving who we are.
When we’re kind to ourselves, we bounce back from tough days faster and set an awesome example for our kids.
After all, we want them to love themselves, right?
So, amidst all the chaos, let’s remember to give ourselves a little love too.
It makes a world of difference!
2. Sacrifice is for surviving, decision-making is for thriving
Until recently, just a few days ago, I kept saying when it came to parenting and the changes we are going through that we are lucky.
We are fortunate to have one of our families close by, for me to have managed to extend my maternity leave to its maximum, for one of us to be able to keep working from home (a home with a very active baby), and to maintain a reduced self-care routine for myself, among other things. I’ve now concluded that we aren’t actually lucky.
All this “luck” came due to the decisions we made in the past.
For example, one significant decision that impacts our parenthood experience is that we could have continued with our plans to move abroad to the UK. Instead, we decided to continue living in this smaller Portuguese town, closer to my partner’s family. This is what allowed us to experience all that “luck“: being able to have a few hours just for us on the weekends, keeping my self-care routines (including going back to my yoga practice), and exploring local baby activities, among others.
And this is what I invite everyone to reflect upon:
The quality of our lives, the one we live today, lies in the decisions we make over time. So if you want a better tomorrow, make the right decisions today. Don’t even think about sacrificing, because then you’re trapped in the survival cage.
Dare yourself to dream about that great life you’re worthy of, whether babies are part of it or not.
Thank you so much for being here and reading.
Kindly,
Monica ✨
P.S. I have zero commissions and no partnerships with the brands mentioned here. The reason I included them is that they genuinely helped me, and I hope they will be useful to others too. In other (marketing) words, this is their earned media. Well-done, brands! 👏🏼
Disclaimer: All visuals presented in this post, with the exception of the infographic, have been created using OpenAI’s DALL-E image generation tool, based on custom prompts crafted by myself. These images are AI-generated and serve to enhance the narrative and themes of the blog. While DALL-E offers remarkable capabilities in visual creation, the nuances and interpretations of the generated art stem from my personal prompting input and creative direction.
